4. Dick Turpentine bags a queer fish II
"Just hold on a minute there! I didn't say that you could be my sidekick or anything yet," replied Dick, deciding to take control back. If Normal kept on going with his airy dreams for much longer, he might decide that Dick needed a whole bunch of merry highwaymen. "How did you happen to be on the highway with no vehicle anyway? I've never met a lonely traveller on foot before ... at least not this far from the city."
Normal sighed the kind of sigh used by stressed schoolteachers and suffering mothers everywhere. "Ah, it's a long and complicated story. Would you let me be your buddy if I told you that I was on the run, just like you?"
Dick noticed the hopeful look on Normal's face, like a puppy that wants a bone but isn't sure whether it'll get a bone or a boot. He looked everywhere but at Normal, wondering how he could get away from this nut job. Nothing, not even a bolt of lightning from the clear afternoon sky, arrived to deliver him. When faced with no escape, the best strategy was to procrastinate in the hope of deliverance. "Why don't you tell me the whole story? It sure doesn't look as if either of us is going anywhere for a bit. Once I've heard the story, I can decide on the whole sidekick deal."
"Ah! Don't want to show me your secret hideout till you know you can trust me, eh?" Normal gave Dick a knowing look. "The difference between you and I is in the fact that while you're on the run from the law, I'm on the run from my wife." Normal made the statement with a flourish as if he expected a drum roll any moment, and the marching band to follow soon after.
Dick scratched his masked chin and nodded, thinking not so much about Normal's revelation as about a means of escape. "That's a new one for sure. I've heard of guys on the run from the girl's father and guys running away with a girl to get married or even of guys running away from the woman they married because she was a shrew, but running away from your wife and then wanting to become an outlaw? That sure is a new one. You've got my attention. Tell me more."
Normal hesitated for a moment, as if unsure how to start. "First, for the record, she's not a shrew or anything, okay? She can get a bit ... umm ... temperamental at times and she does have a mean throwing arm, not to mention a wicked aim, but I do love her. It was all that mutt's fault!" he finally said, with some heat.
"Another guy?"
"No, a dog!"
"Yeah, only a dog would come between a man and his wife!" declared Dick, ready to show his solidarity with other upstanding males of the species. It was always a good idea to get pally with these nutty types. They might not go psycho on you then, Dick reasoned. He took a quick peek up the road hoping perhaps the Cheese would appear and get him out of this particular bind. Nary a vehicle or person was in sight on the long snake of the road as it wound in and around the rubble towards the horizon.
"No, I mean a real dog of the four-footed variety, with a tail and all."
"Oh." Dick was nonplussed. When you have nothing, lob the conversational ball back. "What happened with this dog?"
"It's like this. I've always hated her dog. It's a whiny little scraggly mat of fur that's never liked me. Growls at me any time I come near. Not that I really want to get near it, mind you. Probably full of fleas and germs," the other replied, shuddering.
"You have problems, man, and I don't mean the part about wanting to become an outlaw. Sheesh, lighten up. How bad could a dog be?" Dick realized that he was getting impatient. That would not do if Normal was crazy. He'd better watch himself[1].
"Considering that the mutt has cost me my wife, my job, and my house, not to mention the fact that I'm being held up, I'd say it was pretty bad, wouldn't you? But do you wanna hear the story or not?" asked Normal in a sharp voice before pausing for a moment and then flashing a ghastly lop-sided smile at Dick.
"Sure, sure. No need to get mad. Not that I'm suggesting that you're mad, mind you. Go on with your story," Dick replied, beginning to sweat. First Normal had snapped and then grinned at him like a death's head. The guy was coming unhinged for sure. Dick just hoped that he wasn't around when the whole door came crashing down.
"As I was saying, my wife's had that mutt for years, from before we were married. I've been trying to persuade her to give it away forever. But she can be bombed[2] stubborn when it comes to certain stuff and refuses to even consider the notion. The grenade that obliterated the city was when Ringo, that's its name, made a mess on the living room carpet yesterday. Can you imagine having to clean up all that smelly stuff? Ugh!" Normal grimaced as if he could still see the mess in his mind's eye. Perhaps he could. These nutty-types had all sorts of stuff going through their crazy brains. Why not a little dog poop as well?
"You clean up the doggy-do even though you hate it? You must love your wife a lot!"
Normal smiled rather sheepishly. "Nah, I usually don't do that stuff, I don't think my stomach could take it. Kathryn, that's my wife, does the cleaning up, but she was away for the weekend visiting her mother. She promised me that the mutt would do its business in the little area we have set up for it, and I wouldn't have to do anything. She said that it was just going to be for a couple of days," he said in a rather plaintive voice.
"So what happened?" prompted Dick, still racking his brains for a way out.
"What could happen? I wasn't going to clean it up, and I couldn't stand the smell or the thought of having that dirty, smelly, germ-ridden beast in the house any longer. So I took it out and sold it to a Martian." Normal said all of this in one gulp as if he needed to get it off his chest. He now stared at Dick, expecting, nay, challenging, the highwayman to say that he'd committed an act of cruelty beyond comprehension.
[1] Not that Dick had ever had any success doing that. He usually went cross-eyed trying to watch himself.
[2] Damnation had been replaced by bombing as a means of eternal torture after the great wars. As they say, better the radiation you know than the afterlife you didn't.
